Recently, I was driving slowly through a parking garage when a child ran in front of my car. I slammed on the brakes. The child and I stared at each other, frozen, as their parent pulled them away. As I drove away, I imagined the inevitable reprimand: Don’t run in parking lots.
Sound advice – but directions that begin with “don’t” rarely land the way we intend. When a child hears ‘don’t run,’ their mind may inadvertently focus on ‘run’ – the very thing you want them to avoid. Or they simply tune out after the word ‘don’t.’ Children can better follow directions that tell them what to do rather than what not to do.
But this shift can be challenging. Our natural instincts are wired towards danger, what we don’t want, not towards desire, what we do want. It takes real mental effort to override that pull. Let’s replay the parking lot scene using a framework I call ORCA – Observe, Reflect, Connect, Act – and see what that looks like in practice.
The parent pauses at the parking lot entrance. They observe their child buzzing with energy. They reflect that this energy could easily turn into a sprint. They connect with their child: “In the parking lot, we walk. I’ll hold your hand if you need help slowing down.” Then they act. The parent role models being safe by noticing approaching cars and stopping when needed.
This pivot in focus – from negative to positive – can also apply to how parents frame family goals. Consider the magnetic pull of screens. You sit down to dinner and notice one child glued to the TV, another engrossed in a video game, you and your co-parent scrolling through work emails.
Instinctively you wonder: How can there be less screen time?
Sit with a different version of the same question: What does our family need more of? Movement, hands-on projects, time outdoors, uncontrollable laughter? The answer will look different for every family – and possibly, for each family member. But asking it at all gives you something to move toward, rather than something to run away from.
The shift in phrasing from “don’t” to “do” and a change in focus from “less” to “more” may seem subtle, but the effect can be long lasting. Your child begins to see themselves as capable rather than needing correction. And you, with practice, begin to see your family not for what it’s missing – but for everything it is becoming.
Frances is a therapist who supports elementary school children and their families, who are struggling with anger, anxiety, and grief.
Learn more at www.FrancesBarry.net