You just pulled into your driveway from picking the kids up from school. There was silence from one kid, shouting and kicking from another, and you forgot to buy groceries. As you turn off the engine, you ask yourself, what just happened?
As a parent, you carry an ever-expanding backpack of worries – screen time, ultra-processed food, academic pressure, financial strain, community tensions, political and environmental anxiety – layered on top of daily tasks.
This is why I think a “toolbox” approach to parenting – stay calm, validate feelings, set consistent limits – all good advice, but not a complete solution. Rather than framing parenting as a toolbox,
I’d like to suggest we, as a society, embrace “parenting” as a standing invitation to strengthen the parent-child bond. It’s the foundation of an approach I call ORCA – Observe, Reflect, Connect, and Act. I’ll explain with the example of the car ride above.
OBSERVE: The goal of observing is to describe the scene. My daughter has her phone in her hands, earbuds in, looking out the window. I asked her a question; she didn’t respond. My son is shouting and kicking the back of my seat. I’ve asked him to stop three times.
REFLECT: Ask yourself how you feel about each part of the scene. Are you worried about your daughter’s silence? Are you frustrated about your son’s refusal to stop kicking your seat? Crucially, consider how much stress you were already carrying how much of your anger belongs to the school run, and how much hitched a ride from everything before it?
CONNECT: Now that you’ve reflected on your own experience of the car ride, tune in to your children’s experience. Remember, outside behavior is not always a reflection of a child’s inner thoughts. How heavy were their backpacks when they stepped into the car? Later in the day, at a lighter moment, you might consider checking in with them about how their school day was.
ACT: ACT refers to any actions that strengthen your connection with your children. You might pull over for a few minutes of calm. Later, you may explore ways to lighten all your backpacks, such as getting more sleep, finding time to play together, or paying for help around the house.
ACT is for everyone – not just families, and not just the teachers and therapists who work closely with them. Parents are raising the next generation. It’s a tremendous responsibility and one that we as a community should support. ORCA also works well for co-parents. If you and your co-parent were both at the same “scene,” share your observations, reflections, and connections. This is a great opportunity for co-parents to help each other better understand themselves and their children. Next month, we’ll delve deeper into ORCA. I recommend parents become familiar with observing, reflecting, and connecting before taking action. This month, practice ORCA. It may help to use a journal. At month’s end, read back. What have you learned? Remember, you are the center of your children’s world. How you show up, how you navigate hard moments, how you stay connected to yourself and the people you love – that is what they are observing and absorbing, and what they will carry with them. Connection is the legacy that lasts.
Frances Barry is a licensed therapist.